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Author Tales: C.L. Freire

C.L. Freire is the author for this Thursday's Author Tales. C.L. is the author of The Chronicles of Elderon: David Thorne, The Golithian Orbs. Don't forget to leave a comment to gain an entry in the Monthly Contest!

The Domestic Tapper, The Bringers of Boredom and The Cantaloupe That Got Away
By C. L. Freire

Okay so, I was recently asked by a friend of mine, Sherri, to go out and find someone or something that absolutely annoyed me, so I can come back here and get a good rant off.

Well, needless to say, that in this "oh-so-special" world we live in, I found I didn't have to go far to track those blips on my Annoyance Radar. Thanks Sherri, for reminding me how often certain things force me to just sit back in awe of the fact that the ancestors of some people actually managed to climb down out of the trees and evolve to a point that basic human-like behavior was somewhat achieved.

So there I was the other day, tapping into my domestic side by going food shopping at the market near my house. I pulled into the parking lot, hunted down the nearest spot if only to avoid leaving my house looking like Casper's long-lost sister and returning looking like the spokesmodel for the hot new shade of red that's sure to replace the healthy glow of sun avoidance this fall.

Now, you can imagine how hard it is to find that perfect spot...the one everyone dreams of finding and relishes nabbing so they can tell the story of the day they found the perfect parking spot when everyone else couldn't. Yes, it's a car-eat-car world out there, folks. And here in Miami, land of the free sunburn with a short walk to your mailbox, finding the perfect spot is the goal of champions.

Did I find a good spot that day? NO I DID NOT! Wanna know why? Because "someone" thought it was a good idea to allow a group of people to bombard those who are going about the tapping into their domestic sides, with "messages" they MUST pass along. Yes, because THAT'S when I want to be stopped and lectured about the dangers of this and that……when I'm on a mission to walk around a market, pushing a crappy carriage that most-certainly will be a feat not unlike that of an Olympic event (and the Gold goes to Cindy, for her unique ability to battle the wheels that JUST WON'T TURN!).
So after I park in a not-so-easily-spotted by those people parking slot and walk A-R-O-U-N-D the bringers of boredom, I make my way into the market and begin my hunt. There I am, occasionally glancing down at my list of "GOTTA HAVES" and browsing through the other stuff that makes up the market. You know the stuff I'm talking about here, don't you? The stuff THEY know we don't need until we suddenly get inspired on first sight of that SUPER DUPER GOTTA HAVE, CAN NOT MISS, FUTURISTIC, LIFE-CHANGING plastic coffee stirrer.

Ever-so-anxious am I to finish scouring the market, which I intended only to provide with just enough money to cover the list I so-carefully prepared, I head over to the mile-long lines that occupy two of the twelve cash registers that are actually being used for more then decorative gestures.

Moving on…..

I gather my strength and glance over at the exit doors, where I spy the "bringers of boredom" stopping every person trying to enter and leave the store. And panic sets in. I look around for another exit….another way out of the store. Really, even a window I could push my purchases out through one at a time would be fine. So what if I find out that my cantaloupe rolled away during my escape. Alas, there's no window I could use to get out. So I take a deep breath as the cashier smiles at me while I hand her my credit card. Clearly, she can see the nervousness on my face so she asks me for my ID. At this point, I feel like pointing out the bringers of boredom who are eyeing the registers for upcoming victims.

And as the bag boy drops the last bag into my carriage, I smile, thank him, and politely turn down his offer to take my groceries to the car for me. I couldn't very well say yes, after all….and what, walk through the doors and say, "No, walk a little to the left…a little more to the left…yes, yes, behind that lady…no not the one they're talking to…..the one who's trying to evade the bringers' steely gaze. Yes, let's take the long way….we could both use the exercise."

But then, reality sets in and I decide to take him up on his offer. And just as we pass by the bringers of boredom, I hear, "Hello? Miss? Excuse me, Miss?" and without turning back, I tell the bag boy to, "Run, dude! Run like the wind!" And so the bag boy looks back, as I glance over my shoulder, and see one of the bringers beginning to step off the sidewalk spot they secured for their afternoon of torturing the innocent consumers of bare necessities and SUPER DUPER GOTTA HAVE, CAN NOT MISS, FUTURISTIC, LIFE-CHANGING coffee stirrers.

"Hurry," I tell the now-laughing bag boy, who proceeds to pick up his pace if only to shake up his otherwise hum-drum day of lugging the groceries of others to the cars that are parked out in the Florida broiler. I ever-so-kindly offer to help the bag boy…yes sometimes "kindly" can easily mean desperate as well. It's true. Look it up under bombardment of boredom.

Now I ask you…is THIS the sort of "Shopping with Pleasure" we consumers of bare necessities and SUPER DUPER GOTTA HAVE, CAN NOT MISS, FUTURISTIC, LIFE-CHANGING coffee stirrers really want? No, I think not.

So I say to the bringers of boredom…Bring it somewhere else….like the "other" market…the one I hate for the fact that they NEVER seem to have everything I need and therefore rarely gets a glimpse of me. It's bad enough we're forced to tap into our domestic sides when we could easily be going to the movies (oh, great blog on THAT adventure coming soon…you don't want to miss that one, trust me), or lingering on Myspace like cyber phantoms or cutting our toenails or even, for frick's sake, watching the new grass grow.

Because I'm telling you, my dear friends and fellow domestic tappers….these bringers of boredom must be quashed if only to spare ourselves a stint in the county jail for the unlawful disturbance of the peace that is sure to break out if we…or should I say "I" ever actually get caught by one of these bringers of boredom.
Until that day…I say, Bringers of Boredom Beware!


Excerpted from C. L. Freire’s highly-anticipated, upcoming humor book,

The Ramblings Rants of a Myspace Blogger

Thanks Cindy! For more information about Cindy and The Chronicles of Elderon: David Thorne, The Golithian Orbs, visit the following links:

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